Thursday, December 16, 2010

Oh, the Singles Ward

So I'm sitting in church and in walks this guy hand and hand with another girl in the ward. They make their way over my way and while she chit chats with a couple of people—all within a few feet from me—he strikes up a conversation. He introduces himself and asks a few get-to-know-you questions. Such as "Are you new in the ward?" and I reply, "Nope, been here a year."

Then he says, "You're beautiful." Now I know a pick up line when I hear one and this wasn't it. And then he proceeds to introduce me to his fiance. All and all, it was an awkward conversation.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Base Jumpers

Memo to the security guards at the L.D.S. church building:

If you see two hippy-looking, outdoorsy guys carrying large backpacks, check the packs. They might just carrying parachutes. They are not there to look up family history.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Do Dreams Come True?

Last night I dreamt that I took up smoking and drinking coffee because — get this — I wanted to be a dancer. I figured that cigarettes and coffee were the diet of choice for dancers because it kept them skinny and energetic.

I came up with this idea in Disneyland of all places. I knew that place was a bad influence. Is it possible to have craving for something you've never actually had?

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Halloween and the Single Girl

So I've decided that single girls have to walk a fine line on Halloween. So you go to a party, and let's be honest you don't go to a lot of parties, so you want to maximize the fact that you're going to be around single men. I.E. you want to look good.

Last year my roommate and I went to three different costume stores and there was a huge variety of choices. We could have been a slutty pirate, slutty nurse, slutty witch, slutty gypsy. You could be anything you wanted to be so long as it was a slut. We eventually rented costumes at some local costume store.

So this year I found a costume at target called Sizzling Samurai but lucky for me I am on the short side so it was less sizzling and more modest and cute. I may end up being this for many Halloweens to come as I can't bear going into another costume store again.

What do you think girls? Is it just in Utah that we really don't want to be sluts or is it everywhere? There were 200 people at the party last night and nary a slut among them.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

The Boys

So I have a great rapport with boys — they just have to be under ten years of age. I went to see my old roommate and her three sons. Within ten minutes they were climbing all over me, wrestling, and showing off for me. One of them paid me a very high compliment when he said, "You sure know how to wrestle good."

One week later, I walk past two boys roughhousing on a couch at the furniture store. One of them yelled out "Wanna fight?" I thought he was just yelling at his brother so I kept walking until he yelled out, "Hey Lady, you wanna fight?"

So someone tell me, I know how to attract the little ones, but how do you get the big ones?

Thursday, June 3, 2010

The Impossibility of Punctuality

I think fate doesn't want me to be on time for church.

Week 1: I hit every red light between my house and church and am a few minutes late.

Week 2: I leave a few minutes early to take into account red lights. Unfortunately, I then get stuck behind a freight train so slow that I lose count of the cars because it takes too long to count to one.

Week 3: I leave for church even earlier but my plan fails early on as someone has parked a u-haul van behind my car. I use up all my extra time knocking on doors in my complex until I find the owner.

Week 4: They're doing construction on the road to the institute and no one can make a left turn for several miles. It's also impossible to make a right turn so I almost end up at the zoo before I'm able to turn around.

Week 5: When I moved here, I was excited that I could cut 20 miles off my commute to church, but now I leave earlier than I did before. Today, I thought I was going to be on time. And I would have been, but someone decided to organize an immigration rally in the middle of the city. After fifteen minutes of sitting behind a very boring parade and a lot more detouring through the city, I make it to church just ahead of the ward chorister but still late.

Week 6: I give up on being on time to church and leave later than ever, yet some how I'm two minutes early.